So, it is Valentine’s Day everyone, but do we really know
what that means. Valentine’s Day or The
Feast of Valentinus is a Roman Catholic holiday celebrating the martyr Valentinus. Valentinus was executed by the Roman’s on
February 14th 496 ad. What
did he do you ask? I will tell you. Valentinus was a devout Christian with but a
few vices. Chocolate was number
one! In the Roman Empire at the time,
Chocolate was sacred and was illegal to consume. It was thought to be the excrement of the god
Bachus himself, the god of “all around good times”. Because of this it was forbidden to be
ingested and was only to be stacked in a golden chamber pot and worshiped all
of February: even then known as the shittiest month of the year. Well, Valentinus just couldn’t help himself
and at a friend’s house emptied the golden chamber pot and licked his fingers
clean saying “Diet starts tomorrow boys!!”
His second vice was drawing a design that looked like an upside down
butt on top of all the letter ‘V’s in his letters to his friends and family. This is where we get the traditional,
although highly inaccurate, heart shape.
Valentinus’ third and final vice was the one that got him sodomized,
drawn n’ quartered, poisoned, decapitated, and fed to rats. He had a love for writing terrible love
poems. So, on this Valentine’s Day I
would like you all to remember what we are celebrating. I will now leave you with one of his own
favorite love poems.
Roses are RedViolets are violet
Chocolate is brown
Hearts are shaped like ‘V’s with butts on top
But you, you are specialer to me than all
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