Another Excerpt Of The Bible 2: The 'New' New Testament

The BIBLE 2: The ‘New’ NEW TESTAMENT

DUDE’ eronomy

Ch.9 V1

St. Peter’s Post Revelations, Revelation:  The thoughts and ramblings of Heaven’s eternal Doorman

The Ten Commandments?  Are they relevant now that the Earth is gone and we are in heaven?  The simple answer is yes.  For a more in depth deconstruction and explanation of the Ten Commandments read on.

 

1.Thou shalt have no other gods before me.  Yep he is still pretty big on this one after all it is the reason you are all here.  You believed you repented you prayed, you got in.  The hard work paid off and you got into your first choice so I guess you better show some respect.

2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.  Don’t believe that the lord God is jealous have I got some stories for you… Really!!!  Just don’t bow down to any idols.  Even if you meet some soul walking around heaven and you realize it is former American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson, do yourself a favor and just walk on by.  It is not worth the trouble.

3.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.  He is pretty serious about not calling him unless you really need to talk to him.  He is a pretty busy man these days.  Since the world ended the influx of souls wanted a quick jaw wag with the big guy has grown exponentially.  It is best to make an appointment.  Of course he is always ready when I call his name.  But I try not to bother him too much anymore.  He still really hasn’t gotten over the whole denying him three times thing… I mean Jesus Christ, how long is it going take for him to get over that one god damn moment of indiscretion. 

4.Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.  This one doesn’t matter anymore.  If you wish to count the days you can although it is pointless.  The days will turn into weeks, then months, then years, pretty soon it will be eons and who cares.  Every day is the Sabbath.  We are resting and celebrating his holiest every day.  You have no jobs, you have no reasons to worry, no money, no disease.  So Chillax already.

5.Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.  You no longer have any fathers or mothers.  If their soul ended up in the same plane of being as yours fine, you can honour them if you want.  The point is it is not necessary.  They gave you life brought you into that world and that was great.  But that life has now been refunded and because of that you no longer owe that life debt to the one’s that birthed you.  If you would still like to hang out with them and argue about politics go for it.  Just know that there are a heck of a lot more souls here to get to know.  I mean don’t you want to meet Elvis?  Just kidding he is not here.

6.Thou shalt not kill.  You can’t kill that which does not live.  To my knowledge you can’t kill a soul.  In heaven there are no murder mysteries.  But there is a pretty good library of true crime.  And for some reason plenty of Russian novels with which to pass the time.  Time which has no meaning… never ending time… it just goes on forever and ever… sigh.

7.Thou shalt not commit adultery.  No marriage, No wives, NO PROBLEM!!!

8.Thou shalt not steal.  Possessions are tricky, there aren’t any that I know of, so if you end up stealing something I would like to know who “had it” and how did you and they “get it”.  I mean we aren’t even corporeal beings how could you even pick something up? 

9.Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.  No neighbours, sounds like heaven, am I right?

10.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.  Coveting!  It is still pretty bad.  But then again nobody has oxen or asses or manservants anymore so whatever. 

If I had to come up with one more a number 11 if you will in this list one that makes more sense now that we are all in heaven.  I think I would have to say “Thou really should go and talk to that guy Philip Seymour Hoffman.  He was a great actor.  And he knows the ropes up here.  He has been here for like 5 years now.”