Shuffle

     I kept getting the migraines back then.  As we were passing the sailboats down by the marina the blur in my vision was so bad I couldn’t read the names of the ships.  We pulled into her old driveway and I immediately got out of the car and vomited all over the gravel.  I felt shaky but slightly better.  There wasn't much there in my stomach contents mostly the water and the candy I had been eating in the car.  The torso of a gummy bear sat there in my puke reaching its arms up to me.  We went inside and I got some water and headed for the bathroom.  They had always had soft water in the old house which meant that when you tried to wash up it just left you feeling greasy with soap.  After I washed I came downstairs and tried to help her with dinner, but I felt nauseas again so I headed for the couch.  When I woke, dinner was ready and I was starving, she had already broken out the gin, so I poured myself a glass of water and made myself a drink.  I chugged the water down, and sipped my gin slowly.  We sat down to eat in silence.  I reached under the table and slipped my hand on her thigh and gave it a squeeze she smiled at me and we ate.

    After dinner we went outside.  The sun set and millions of stars were shining down on us.  There were too many, looking at them made me queasy so I looked at her instead.  I brushed her cheek with my lips and whispered that I loved her.  She turned toward me and kissed me.  I looked up at the stars and felt lonely so I put my hand out to her, and she took hold of my arm and pulled me in closer.
     She went to put on a record and I made us some drinks, then lit a cigarette .  “Cards?” she said as she entered the kitchen.  “Sure” I said.  We sat down and I began to shuffle.  I was cutting the deck and then shuffling but not doing the bridge trick.  She grabbed the deck out of my hands and started doing the bridge very slowly and pointed out all the steps how to do it and was teaching me.  At the end of this impromptu lesson she put the cards down and told me to try. 
“ I am perfectly happy with the way I shuffle.”
“I'm not.”
“ So what”
“Why not just try. “
“Why should I?” I said and laughed.
“You're hopeless."
"I am hopeless because I can't shuffle."
"No you are hopeless because you know you can shuffle and you won't try."
"My way of shuffling was mixing the cards up too you know."
"That is not the point."
"Is there a point?"
"You never try at anything."
"Whoah.  This is shuffling cards lets not make this a giant metaphor for all my failings in life please."
"Don't get defensive."
“I don’t like being treated like a infant just because I don’t want to shuffle the god damn cards the way you do.”
“You teach people how to treat you.”
“Oh fuck off. You realize we are talking about shuffling, here.”
I grabbed the deck and started doing the bridge trick over and over.
“ There you had it… almost perfect.” she said excitedly and smiled.
I put down the cards and said, “ I know but the thing is I didn’t want to do it.”  She looked at me with real anger as she picked up the cards and threw them on the floor. 
     I sipped my drink and looked at the playing cards on the floor.  The one eyed jack, the queen of diamonds, and the six of spades were the only ones that landed face up.  The rest were a pile of ornate little paisley'esque designs.  I studied one and saw little mouths and reptile eyes with slits for pupils looking up at me, dancing around hearts in a cloudy spider web.  She sat there, I picked up the cards and began doing the bridge trick over and over again.  After the third perfect time I said “ So you want to play candy land or something?”  She laughed and got up grabbed a cigarette and lit it, and sat down in my lap.  I told her I was sorry, and she said yeah and hugged me.  We finished our drinks, and went upstairs to bed.  She of course fell asleep instantly and began to snore loudly.  The crickets and the cicadas were even louder than her snores. 
     I went to the bathroom and turned the light on.  I splashed water on my face and stared at my reflection.  The water dripped from my nose and my chin and made me look like I was a melting wax sculpture.  She came into the bathroom.  “I woke up and you weren’t there.”  She hugged me from behind and looked at me in the mirror with a broad smile I tried to return it.  She took off her night shirt and stood there naked, her tan skin looking yellow and dead in the harsh light.  I turned the light off.  I pulled my clothes off and embraced her.  I picked her up and squeezed her tight.  I sat her down on the bathroom sink and I ran my hands from her knees to her waist.  It was dark and I couldn’t see the reflection any more.  All I could see were two shadowy blue figures clutching for one another in the dark.