Another Excerpt From The Bible 2: The 'New' New Testament

The Bible Two:  The ‘New’ New Testament:
Stories from hell…
An Excerpt from the Journal of Jack Covington P.I.

I don’t know how many days it has been.  I stopped counting.  Eternity is longer than expected.  For how long I have been here, not much has changed, I could’ve died yesterday.  That is the worst part the monotony, and the never really knowing when or if it will end.  In life I went looking for lost things.  Stamp collections, wayward husbands, drunks, runaways, a cat once.  And mostly what I found were lost souls.  People wanting to stay lost and I robbed them of that.  Now in death I have been hired again to find a few lost souls.  When the big guy(the prince of darkness, satan) called on me I thought about telling him to shove it.  But good old Lu found a way to tug at that place inside me.  That place that doesn’t like questions and is always searching for answers.  When he informed me the world that I had known had ended I didn’t care much.  It had ended for me long ago.  What did interest me.  The reason I am working for him now, is when the world ended there were three souls that were supposed to come straight to hell that never showed.  Now rule number one of the afterlife is: you cannot escape your fate.  If someone had stumped the big guy, they had done something that countless others including myself could not do.  Honestly, I wanted to know how.  I also knew that this case would allow me access to the whole shebang.  All the circles, purgatory, even the pearly gated paradise for the beleivers.  This was an opportunity he knew I wouldn’t shy away from.  Especially now that the world had ended and all in it had been judged.  I will admit it I wanted to find her.  I wanted to know where she ended up.  I wanted to know how it had all got so damn fucked up.  Above all I needed to know why.
I left Lu’s offices and began to walk down the dilapidated street set on both sides with burning buildings.  I shut my ears to the cries of the suffering tenants there was nothing I could do for them anyway.  I lit a cigarette, by my count it wasn’t evening yet, but since there was no sky there was no way to tell.  The fluorescent streetlamps overhead did nothing but cast ghoulish shadows on the sidewalk.  As I walked the foul stench from the greenish yellow boiling lake drifted into my nostrils and burned my lungs.  I pulled the collar of my jacket up over my nose.  I knew where I needed to go first I just hoped he was home.  At the edge of the lake I looked across at the crumbling mansion, as the sulfur bubbled and spat flame in the air.  Yeah, I better go talk to Lenny I thought. 

 

To be continued…

I found a journal from when i was ten

I found a journal from when I was ten.  Enjoy these excerpts:

3/19/96

“Finally I’m away from those kids.” Said Mrs. Miller feeling exhausted. 
“Pssst, Mrs Miller, let me out of here!”
“Aaah what was that?  Who is there?” she exclaimed!  She hastily looker around the hotel room.  She looked in the bathroom.  In the dresser.  In the closet.  The she saw one of her suitcases starting to shake.  She opened it and I jumped out!!!

 

3/26/96

I’ve had a lot of weird hair dues to outline lately.  Last week I did a girl with a beehive.  It had a hole right in the middle.  I wanted to just touch it, but I told myself not to.  Yesterday I had a guy with his hair standing up, he must use hair goo.  When I tried to hold his head still my hand got all gooey.  As you can see, my job is not always fun.

 

4/2/96

Yesterday I went to the museum and you won’t believe what happened.  Well it all started when we saw a couple of sculptures with no heads or arms.  The fabric that was supposed to be their clothing was falling off.  When I looked at one it started to glow.  I asked Chris, “Did you see that?”  “See what?” said Chris.  “Nothing.”  I said puzzled.  We walked on.  I wasn’t paying much attention because every so often I heard a voice saying: “ I want your soul!”  I stayed back behind the group.  One of the sculptures picked a piece of artwork and shoved it in the hole where its arm should be and started swinging it at me.  I pulled at the fabric and it all unraveled so the sculpture was naked.  Then these peculiar white rays shot from its eyes and went into me.  I put the artwork back on the wall and ran away.

BS

      People of Earth I have important news for you.  Today February 15^th, 2014, I Joseph Partington Coleburn have discovered a new Element.  I made this shocking discovery in the same way I make most of my discoveries by observing the wheelings and dealings of the humdrum everyday life of this post 9-11 world(I’ll never forget).  This Element is found everywhere and in everything.  I call it BULLSHITANIUM(BS).  This is actually the most dense of all the gaseous elements on the periodic table.  Its weight is nothing, because it has no actually substance or value.  While our society cannot subsist without it, it is astronomically useless.  Reality TV, 24 hour News Networks, and the Tea Party Movement are all products of its sublimation.  It is not radioactive, however it is extremely cancerous and unstable.  It is ever-changing and becoming more and more prevalent daily.  By the year 2015 our atmosphere will be 93.9 % BS.  There is nothing we can do.  In fact just like global warming it is in fact useless to even think about.  The Bullshitanium has already infected every single molecule on this planet.  Perhaps next time we shall do better. 

Valentine's Day

     So, it is Valentine’s Day everyone, but do we really know what that means.  Valentine’s Day or The Feast of Valentinus is a Roman Catholic holiday celebrating the martyr Valentinus.  Valentinus was executed by the Roman’s on February 14^th 496 ad.  What did he do you ask?  I will tell you.  Valentinus was a devout Christian with but a few vices.  Chocolate was number one!  In the Roman Empire at the time, Chocolate was sacred and was illegal to consume.  It was thought to be the excrement of the god Bachus himself, the god of “all around good times”.  Because of this it was forbidden to be ingested and was only to be stacked in a golden chamber pot and worshiped all of February: even then known as the shittiest month of the year.  Well, Valentinus just couldn’t help himself and at a friend’s house emptied the golden chamber pot and licked his fingers clean saying “Diet starts tomorrow boys!!”  His second vice was drawing a design that looked like an upside down butt on top of all the letter ‘V’s in his letters to his friends and family.  This is where we get the traditional, although highly inaccurate, heart shape.  Valentinus’ third and final vice was the one that got him sodomized, drawn n’ quartered, poisoned, decapitated, and fed to rats.  He had a love for writing terrible love poems.  So, on this Valentine’s Day I would like you all to remember what we are celebrating.  I will now leave you with one of his own favorite love poems.

Roses are Red
Violets are violet
Chocolate is brown
Hearts are shaped like ‘V’s with butts on top
But you, you are specialer to me than all

Shreddin' the Freshy POWPOW on my Way Home

     Ugh seriously I am going thirty-five miles an hour on the interstate.  At least there is barely anybody else on the road.  If you are going to die, it is better to die alone right.  I have no idea if I am in a lane, are there lanes anymore?  Oh here we go turn into the skid.  What does that even mean?  I am not going to make it up this hill.  Since when are there hills on I-95...  Shit not this song I don't want to die with this song playing, on my way from this job.  I hope everyone enjoys their flowers for Valentines Day.  I don't know who I feel more sorry for, me who is going to end up frozen to death in a snow bank right next to the Philip Morris building, or the guy who thought that his significant other really wanted flowers delivered to them from flowers.com.  It is never the thought that counts.  Oh good the mega millions is up to 133 million.  The odds of me winning the lottery are less than the odds of me being dead before I get home.  There are so many things I didn't do.  So many things I wanted to do.  I need a drink.  I wonder if the bars will be open when I get back to the city... If I live I am going to turn over a new leaf God.  Or whatever is out there.  Who am I kidding?  That would be a pretty big gamble for God, let me live and then maybe I will be a better person.  Man I am hungry.  I don't want to die hungry, but I work straight through dinner.  The last thing I ate was tortilla chips and cheese dip, how fitting.  The last thing in my stomach and the last thing on my mind is cheese dip.  Oh man turn into skid... quarter mile to my exit.  Then I just have to navigate the secondary roads that are supposed to be worse.  I have lived a good life.  Whatever will be will be.  Que sera sera.  I wonder what the turn out will be like at my funeral.  Probably pretty big.  I have won every popularity contest I have ever entered.  It is my one skill, winning popularity contests.  Maybe they will have some crazy memorial party at one of the places I frequent.  But not everybody would want to go to the same place, my friend group is too eclectic.  There would have to be multiple memorial services.  Would they bury me or cremate me?  I would really rather they gave me a Viking funeral, but there is probably some stupid law against that.  Oh hey Mojo's is open, betcha David is working.  Post drive home celebratory drink... don't mind if I do.   

Food Court

     I went to the mall today.  In the food court to the left of the Burger King there is a place called Little Tokyo, and to the right a place called Honolulu BBQ.  Directly across the seating area is a place called China Max.  All of these places serve "fried rice", although one calls it "Hawaiain Rice".  Two have noodles.  All have a salty chicken or beef combo that taste fairly similar.  Two have cylindrical fried rolled up things referred to as eggrolls, and all serve the great Coca Cola products.  Two of these places have a bourbon chicken option.  Bourbon, which is a Kentucky liquor.  The ethnicities of the proprietors of these places are not obvious, and I would not even try to guess.  Some speak Spanish, others speak broken English with a east Asian accent.  I know the food is probably terrible for you and is mass produced in some factory somewhere and shipped to these three little businesses.  I know this is because a bunch of American's once decided that they wanted to eat the food of these three diverse cultures, and that some corporation in their wisdom decided to dumb it down, dull the flavor, and mass manufacture it.  This is what we do, we find something unique and different and make the American version.  This is the American dream.  Great food done poorly.   

Shuffle

     I kept getting the migraines back then.  As we were passing the sailboats down by the marina the blur in my vision was so bad I couldn’t read the names of the ships.  We pulled into her old driveway and I immediately got out of the car and vomited all over the gravel.  I felt shaky but slightly better.  There wasn't much there in my stomach contents mostly the water and the candy I had been eating in the car.  The torso of a gummy bear sat there in my puke reaching its arms up to me.  We went inside and I got some water and headed for the bathroom.  They had always had soft water in the old house which meant that when you tried to wash up it just left you feeling greasy with soap.  After I washed I came downstairs and tried to help her with dinner, but I felt nauseas again so I headed for the couch.  When I woke, dinner was ready and I was starving, she had already broken out the gin, so I poured myself a glass of water and made myself a drink.  I chugged the water down, and sipped my gin slowly.  We sat down to eat in silence.  I reached under the table and slipped my hand on her thigh and gave it a squeeze she smiled at me and we ate.

    After dinner we went outside.  The sun set and millions of stars were shining down on us.  There were too many, looking at them made me queasy so I looked at her instead.  I brushed her cheek with my lips and whispered that I loved her.  She turned toward me and kissed me.  I looked up at the stars and felt lonely so I put my hand out to her, and she took hold of my arm and pulled me in closer.
     She went to put on a record and I made us some drinks, then lit a cigarette .  “Cards?” she said as she entered the kitchen.  “Sure” I said.  We sat down and I began to shuffle.  I was cutting the deck and then shuffling but not doing the bridge trick.  She grabbed the deck out of my hands and started doing the bridge very slowly and pointed out all the steps how to do it and was teaching me.  At the end of this impromptu lesson she put the cards down and told me to try. 
“ I am perfectly happy with the way I shuffle.”
“I'm not.”
“ So what”
“Why not just try. “
“Why should I?” I said and laughed.
“You're hopeless."
"I am hopeless because I can't shuffle."
"No you are hopeless because you know you can shuffle and you won't try."
"My way of shuffling was mixing the cards up too you know."
"That is not the point."
"Is there a point?"
"You never try at anything."
"Whoah.  This is shuffling cards lets not make this a giant metaphor for all my failings in life please."
"Don't get defensive."
“I don’t like being treated like a infant just because I don’t want to shuffle the god damn cards the way you do.”
“You teach people how to treat you.”
“Oh fuck off. You realize we are talking about shuffling, here.”
I grabbed the deck and started doing the bridge trick over and over.
“ There you had it… almost perfect.” she said excitedly and smiled.
I put down the cards and said, “ I know but the thing is I didn’t want to do it.”  She looked at me with real anger as she picked up the cards and threw them on the floor. 
     I sipped my drink and looked at the playing cards on the floor.  The one eyed jack, the queen of diamonds, and the six of spades were the only ones that landed face up.  The rest were a pile of ornate little paisley'esque designs.  I studied one and saw little mouths and reptile eyes with slits for pupils looking up at me, dancing around hearts in a cloudy spider web.  She sat there, I picked up the cards and began doing the bridge trick over and over again.  After the third perfect time I said “ So you want to play candy land or something?”  She laughed and got up grabbed a cigarette and lit it, and sat down in my lap.  I told her I was sorry, and she said yeah and hugged me.  We finished our drinks, and went upstairs to bed.  She of course fell asleep instantly and began to snore loudly.  The crickets and the cicadas were even louder than her snores. 
     I went to the bathroom and turned the light on.  I splashed water on my face and stared at my reflection.  The water dripped from my nose and my chin and made me look like I was a melting wax sculpture.  She came into the bathroom.  “I woke up and you weren’t there.”  She hugged me from behind and looked at me in the mirror with a broad smile I tried to return it.  She took off her night shirt and stood there naked, her tan skin looking yellow and dead in the harsh light.  I turned the light off.  I pulled my clothes off and embraced her.  I picked her up and squeezed her tight.  I sat her down on the bathroom sink and I ran my hands from her knees to her waist.  It was dark and I couldn’t see the reflection any more.  All I could see were two shadowy blue figures clutching for one another in the dark.