questions

Whoah wait if I am not the new normal, am I the new not normal?

Or is it the new weird, or new strange, or new unique?

Why are my hands shaking?

Why did I drink so much coffee?

What was that noise?

Is that the wind or some kind of rodent?

Should I keep this mustache?

Is my hair cut perfect?

Or is it better than perfect?

How can I get my kids back?
Should I start professional arm wrestling?

Is my life interesting enough for reality tv?

Or is it too interesting?

Why does my head hurt?

Why do I think about time travel so much?

Another Excerpt from the Bible 2

The Bible Two:  The ‘New’ New Testament:
Stories from hell…
An Excerpt from the Journal of Jack Covington P.I.

     Leninovich Stolalvya in life had been a successful man.  A respected man almost up until his death.  Lenny as his friends called him, had grown up first generation American who put all his efforts into becoming a king in the financial market.  Unfortunately with great passion sometimes comes greed.  A hunger that is never filled.  The constant acquisition of more and more power and money is what drove him.  When his investors finally realized that they investing in speculating on speculation, and that all their money was gone Lenny was already so wealthy he couldn't be touched, or so he thought.  During a particularly dire low point in the world economy the American Government which he loved and had helped out from time to time decided to make an example of him.  Rather than let him blame bad management for his crimes, they held him personally and financially responsible.  Before they could have him arrested he took his gold plated .44 magnum and ate a bullet.  Now, when they say 'there is a special place in hell, for this kind of person'  there is.  He and a few other not so poor souls, are housed in a few old dilapidated mansions overlooking the lake of sulfur.  We called it ' The Hamptons'.  Even in hell the rich folk still have nice views. 

The First of Many Unlikely American Greeting Cards(not sure what the name of the business is yet.)

    

Happy Bastille Day

      This Bastille day I hope that all of your aristocrats are virtuous.  I hope your oligarchs are socially conscious.  And I hope that you don't let the class system get you down.  When God gives you lemons, make lemonade.  No bread in the pantry?  Eat Cake!  If a bunch of "Connerie" is getting you down, sharpen the guillotine blade, and try to keep your head.  Three cheers for La Resistance.  Also, the French word for dangerous has an 'X' in it, which is totally badass.

Another Long Lost Letter From Rasputin's Young Lover

Another Long Lost Letter From Rasputin’s Young Lover:

Dear Raspy’,

                I won’t be writing you anymore.  My pleas for you to return to me have gone unanswered.  I know your commitment to God and your work comes first, but I feel as if this relationship is based on a memory of you, rather than you.  When I think of your face I can no longer trace the shape of your beard in my mind.  You were the love of my life and I may never love again.  The lord may send me someone, but you have ruined me for other men.  So, now it is goodbye my love.  I hope that someday when you are in the arms of a cold winter’s night, you can think of me and you will be warmed.

All my Love

Svetlana Banglanka

P.S.  Could you send me my crockpot.  I left it the last time I visited and I really want it back.  I found your megadeath t-shirt and I am sending that with the letter.  That was an awesome concert wasn’t it?  Anyway if you see anything else laying around send it to me.  TTYL!!!

A Skeptic, A cynic, and A Pessimist

A few people have described me as a skeptic, a cynic, and a pessimist.  Webster’s defines these terms thusly:

Skeptic: a person who questions or doubts something (such as a claim or statement) : a person who often questions or doubts things.

Cynic: a person who has negative opinions about other people and about the things people do; especially : a person who believes that people are selfish and are only interested in helping themselves.

Pessimist: a person who feels or believes that bad things will happen in the future.

I am all these things at times, but everyone is.  Today, I was sitting on my couch when someone rang my old antique doorbell three times.  No one ever rings that doorbell, unless it is a friend intentionally being annoying.  When I went to the door there were two nicely dressed individuals standing on my stoop.  One man, one woman.  The man wore a fedora and had a thin mustache like mine.  His was grey, his suit was grey, his hat was grey, and the cardigan he wore beneath his suit jacket and above his pressed white button up shirt, was blue and looked like it could’ve been homemade.  He wore a black and white striped tie.  His partner wore an olive green shawl over a plain blur dress.  She had a red-orange knit hat that also could’ve been homemade.  I didn’t look at their shoes, I was too busy staring them in the face trying to figure out what they were doing on my porch, and how I could get them away from me. 
“Good morning Sir, my name is Robert.  Are you familiar with the Bible at all sir?”  I thought about that question for a moment.  Yes I was.  I was raised Catholic.  Had I memorized the King James, like I assumed these two had?  No, of course not, it is a book.  A book written by men to teach others how to live.  It is not the word of some being from some other magical place.
“Do you know the lord’s prayer?”
“Yeah.”
“What does it say in there?”  I start to try and remember all the words.  It is hard to do when I am not in a giant room filled with other people reciting it.  I have to mouth the words.  I get to the part about ‘on earth as it is in heaven’ and Robert interrupts me.
“Now what do you think about that, doesn’t that sound nice?”  This man is presupposing that I believe in heaven, know that it is nice, would like it to be that way on earth as well.
“Yeah sure it sounds nice, from what I have heard of about heaven.”
“Well I have this brochure for you to look at with some questions on the back.  Do me a favor and look at those questions and see if you think those are good questions for Christians to be asking.  And pick one that you would like to learn about.”  The silent woman pulls the brochure from her bag and hands it to me.  The front had a collage of a bunch of nice looking people from every ethnic background and the words ‘Good News From God!’ in big bold letters.  I flip it over to check out the news.  I read the fourteen questions on the back, trying to find a question that didn’t have the word God, Christian, or lord in it.  The only one was number six.  ‘What hope is there for the dead?’  I tell Robert that I had thought a lot about number six.  How I wasn’t sure what happened when we died.  How I hope that we could see our loved ones.  But how I am pretty sure we just end up rotting away in the earth.  I tell him how the idea of not existing scares me.  How this world for me could not exist without me.  So, honestly what hope is there for the living or the dead. 
“I am glad you ask that question.  The answers to all these questions are in here.”  He pointed to the Bible and looks up in the brochure what verse he should read to correspond to my existential dilemma.  He opens the Bible and tells me to read John 11:21-24, 38-44.  I immediately wonder what was written in 25-37.  I read the words he wants me to read.  And he talks to me about Lazarus.  The story made me angry.  What was the point in even allowing Lazarus to die if he was just going to bring him back.  It made death pointless.  I smile at them and tell them I will read the brochure and read my Bible and meditate on all this, and other unnecessarily polite lies.  They tell me that they will come back next week same time.  I make a mental note not to be home around 1130 on Thursday and say goodbye.

A Response to an Old Love Poem I found...

A Response to an Old Love Poem I found…

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I wrote a poem once and it was for you.
It spoke of love on wings of a dove.
The verses were free, I asked for no fee.
It spoke of a light burning bright in the night.
I know it was trite, but to me it felt right.
I call it ‘Baby Precious’ as other lover’s had inspired.
Now the light of the poem has dimmed and retired.
Baby precious always shines is a lie, and I am a liar.
It may all sound harsh.
For in the foggy march of time, the changes come with a punch.
But I have my own hunch.
Even though the light went out, does not mean it never shined.
A smile comes when I flip through old pages and find.
The name ‘Baby Precious’ brought to mind.

STATE OF THE UNION 2032

STATE OF THE UNION 2032: The President stands on the steps of the Lincoln memorial looking out on a crowd of loyalists

 

My fellow North Americano’s we are again at a crossroads in our great nation’s history.  We are a nation divided once again by an ideal.  An ideal that our fore fathers fought and shed their blood for.  Again we face a problem with no easy solution.  As we have learned time and again what is easy is not always right.  The simple fact remains that after thirty years the television program American Idol must be canceled.

Eighteen years ago if you had told me that I would be standing in front of you, this great nation torn asunder again by a war that pits brother against brother, as your president.  I would’ve told you: you’re whack.  But now I stand here Justin Bieber your president pleading to a wayward nation to begin to heal this rift. 

This nation has had to endure many hardships.  December 7^th 1941, September 11, 2001(never forget), and the recent atomic attack of the New England section of the United States in the hopeless attempt to wipe the “Harvard Elite” from this earth.  Moments that shall live in infamy.  Thinking about these dark days could lead us to lose sight of the good that has come in the 21^st century.  The annexing of Canada for one, and the passing of the 35^th amendment allowing canucks like myself the right to run for president, and two days ago when I learned what the word infamy meant(LoL). 

Like our nation I had my fair share of troubled teenage years.  In fact I was deported from this great nation at the height of my music career.  I, like the country that I loved and still love to this day were both suffering from something called “affluenza”.  But as the Bible and YouTube.com taught us there will always come a day of judgement. 

All this does not change the fact that today I sign into law something very controversial.  Perhaps the most controversial document ever penned, but a necessary one.  When I sign this document the television program American Idol will no longer be legal to produce or watch.  This decision may not be popular, but it is the right one.  It is the one that reaffirms the belief that all men and women of this country and their children and their children’s children, are born with the right to the pursuit of happiness.  Happiness, ya know that word has such a special meaning today.  It seems so far.  I assure you, however, that happiness is on the horizon.  God bless Usher, and God Bless America!!  DON’T STOP ‘BELIEBERING’!!!! 

Hold for applause then robo-journey and the corpse of Steve Perry are brought out to fireworks and the chorus of Don’t Stop Believing echoing on repeat over and over.  At which point the mechanized war machines are deployed to Simon Cowell’s secret bunker to dispatch the fuhrer of pop music.