The other night when I was in the
bathroom I felt a sharp pain that I thought was gas. I sat there on the toilet as my bowels
constricted and throbbed. A shooting
pain, like a knife stabbing in and twisting, began to creep up my lower
back. I began to sweat and to pant. I was dying.
My life was limited. I laid down
on the cold tile floor to try and cool off my feverish red skin. There was no solace. I took off all my clothes and grabbed handfuls
of water to splash my face with. I
moaned and screamed and cried. I sat on
the toilet and pushed because that felt good.
I pushed and I pushed. It was
when I was pushing I heard it. It was a
voice, definitely a voice between the flatulants. It sound like it said “Heeeeeeey”. I stopped pushing and breathed, I was white
as a sheet and cold now. Where did that
voice come from? I knew, but I didn’t
want to believe it. I curled up in a
fetal position and shook my head. No,
this wasn’t happening, no there was no voice, no there was no little voice
saying “Heeeeey”… coming from my butt.
Curiosity took over. Fear subsided for the moment, pain
reigned. I sat on the toilet and pushed. “HEY YO.
Keep pushing yo.” I stopped and
wondered if I should ask this hallucination a question. Who are you?
What are you? What are you doing inside me? Instead I took a deep breath and pushed with
all my might. This time relief and
splashing and struggling sounds, as if something or someone was choking on
something. Then a pinch, my left cheek,
an unmistakable butt pinch. “Hey fatty
would you get off the toilet your suffocating me?” I jumped up in surprise and turned to face my
horror. There in the toilet was a foot
tall green man. He had pointy green
ears, buggy lizard eyes, and a snout like a pig. He wore a tiny Hawaiian shirt which was wet
with waist and bile. He pulled some
black wayfarers out of the pocket of his cutoff jean shorts and put them
on. From his other pocket he drew a
toothpick which he stuck between his yellow fanged teeth. “Whooh.” He said “ Yo mang you want to put
some clothes on. Cuz dig this man I just
came out yo butt, and I don’t wanna sit here all night and look at ya junk ya
dig. Think I seen enuf ya know what I’m
saying… ya dig…?” He looked at me with
his yellow eyes as I grabbed the shower curtain and wrapped it around my lower
half. I sat down on the edge of the
tub. This was going to be a long night. To be continued…
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