Another Post About Going Back To School

     Shakespeare in context.  There are theatre majors in this class.  I "SEE" a few english majors that I recognize from other classes, but I can "HEAR" the theatre majors.  They have said the word "CRAFT" a few times.  This may kill me.  I, myself, am a performer who hates other performers.  A wanna'be writer.  A girl enters stage right and screams "Beckah!!!"  then laughs and says to the rest of us, quietly ignoring her, "What an entrance?"  Yet again I am faced with the fact that I am too old for this.  I don't have time to make mistakes anymore, these kids have eight to ten years to get where I am right now.  Which, come to think of it, is only four feet away.  It has taken me a decade to move four feet.  That is a depressing thought.  A snail's pace, a sloth's pace, like Chinese water torture.  A persistent, slow, pointless drop drop drop of water slowing eroding a hole in my brain.  My brain a floating hunk of trash in an ocean of jellyfish.  It doesn't even stir with the constant stinging.  I am starting to sound like Hamlet.  At least my dad is still around.  There is always something rotten in Denmark, or Richmond, or wherever you are...that is even more dramatic than these young theatre majors.  These young beautiful people who are all going to make it on Broadway, or in Hollywood, and really just piss me off.  My professor just made a Mr. Bill reference and I am the only one who laughed.  OHHH NOOOOO!!!!!

Reviews

Some Reviews of My Future Hypothetical Comedy Shows:


"Joe Coleburn You won't know when the jokes begin...or end!!"

"Joe Coleburn the one thing you can say is... He's likeable!!!"

"Joe Coleburn he WILL make apologies!!!"
"Joe Coleburn he takes comedy to a  level that you won't understand, and honestly don't want to!!"

"Joe Coleburn he once ate a bagel off the ground!!"

"Come see Joe Coleburn he asks the tough questions like ' What is the deal with observational humor?' !!!"

"Joe Coleburn... believable..."

"Joe Coleburn...Too Long... Too chubby...Too drunk..."

"Joe Coleburn ain't nothing like him, and there shouldn't be."

"Joe Coleburn umm it was ok, a little slow at first, but I mean it was good.  The beers there were good, I am not much into live comedy.  Did you see the cat video the other day.  Ya know the one with the two cats dancing to 'Turn Down For What', that shit is hilarious.  Totally the bomb."

SARAH SARAH FRRRRRIIIIIIIEEEENNND!

The other day I was thinking about the movie Labyrinth.  Is Labyrinth the greatest piece of cinema of all time?  Probably not.  Does it hold up?  Maybe.  Is it a movie that I constantly think about, and may have had more effect on my life than any other movie?  Yes.  From the moment I first watched it I fell deeply in love with both Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie.  The character Sarah was young and beautiful and a dreamer.  She makes a mistake and has to deal with the consequences.  Once in the Labyrinth she shows her smarts and her determination.  Even though she chooses down, when you should clearly never choose down, I had an immediate crush on Jennifer Connelly that has never gone away.  I sat there and projected myself into the puppet characters.  I was Hoggle who looked at Sarah’s innocence and beauty and knew that she could never love such a wretched cowardly ugly creature as he and I were.  And my heart broke when I realized I was Ludo as well the big dumb animal just searching for a friend.  Even Sir Didymus let me see that loyalty and the virtue of friendship was important.    

            Then there was Bowie, Jareth the goblin King.  As I looked at him with his insane Tina Turner hair and his dramatic eye makeup, strutting about and singing with a devilish smile or a moody stare, I realized I was in love again.  In love with the dark side.  In love with the secret pathetic vulnerability of evil.  I wanted to be him.  I wanted to be this tortured soul who stole babies and turned the world upside down for Jennifer Connelly.  I also really wanted to go to that crazy masquerade even if it was a hallucination.  These crushes were very confusing when I was young.  It is only now that I fully understand them.  Although David Bowie still is a little sexually confusing.  I mean for a kids movie there sure is a lot of David Bowie bulge bouncing around.   If you haven't seen it watch it.  You may learn something about yourself, or maybe learn more about me.

NEW NEW NEW!!

NEW NEW NEW!  Come check it out.  It is the latest advancement.  Ladies and Gentlemen, boys are girls come one come all.  It is here.  Fresh exciting, different, the next step.  Check it out it is really great.  There will honestly never be a better innovation.  This is unprecedented, unparalleled, unrivaled, and undeniably the most important thing ever.

Seriously it is great.

The Best.

I mean it.

Really I do.

Ok so maybe there are a few problems.  But you know everything has a downside.  There is no light without shadow.  You know what, I am honestly not crazy about it, but I mean what choice do I have?  I thought we were ok with what we had, but of course they just had to change things.  To be honest I really don’t even like it.  I heard it is the worst.  I mean you want ‘new’ but at what cost?  How dare they?  It basically came from slave labor and is ruining the environment.  I hate this new thing I want the old one.  This new thing killed my father. 

NEW NEW NEW!!  It’s the new thing.  It isn’t like the old one because it’s new.  It is actually more like the old one.  Classic if you will, retro. 

You know what, I love it.    

Story I am working on

              When we got to the party it was about thirty people all standing in a gravel covered backyard slash parking lot behind an apartment.  There was a group of guys I knew shot gunning beers in the bed of a truck, a small group of  young professionals in one corner drinking cocktails and talking about fantasy football or whoever’s wedding they were going to that weekend, and at the far end of the lot there was a beer pong table and the four people who I knew played beer pong everywhere they went.  I wondered why these people were all still friends and then also wondered why I was friends with them.  After I locked up my bike I hopped into the bed of the truck with my cohorts to a rauckus cheer.  One of them handed me a bottle of Evan Williams and told me to do work.  I tipped the bottle up to my lips and took a long drink.  When I was done I coughed and said geek geek gah damn and passed the bottle on and said do work. 

                The sun has gone down and I am in an alley urinating on a trash can.  I can still hear the party even though I walked about a half of a block to find my perfect bathroom.  The moon is full and I look up at the big son of a bitch as I sway.  My back hit’s the fence behind me, which causes some mangy old dog to have a hissy fit.  It barks and snarls I zip up and growl and bark back at it letting drool fly from my mouth.  After awhile I realize I am fighting a pointless battle.  I begin my retreat towards the party noises.  My walk is swift and purposeful but the alcohol makes it look like I am falling towards something.  When I get back there is a large group of people all singing along to a song we all know.  I don’t feel like singing so I go over to a group that is smoking and ask to bum a cigarette.   I center myself and say the same trying not to sound or look too drunk.

The beginning of My untitled Buddy Comedy

The other night when I was in the bathroom I felt a sharp pain that I thought was gas.  I sat there on the toilet as my bowels constricted and throbbed.  A shooting pain, like a knife stabbing in and twisting, began to creep up my lower back.  I began to sweat and to pant.  I was dying.  My life was limited.  I laid down on the cold tile floor to try and cool off my feverish red skin.  There was no solace.  I took off all my clothes and grabbed handfuls of water to splash my face with.  I moaned and screamed and cried.  I sat on the toilet and pushed because that felt good.  I pushed and I pushed.  It was when I was pushing I heard it.  It was a voice, definitely a voice between the flatulants.  It sound like it said “Heeeeeeey”.  I stopped pushing and breathed, I was white as a sheet and cold now.  Where did that voice come from?  I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it.  I curled up in a fetal position and shook my head.  No, this wasn’t happening, no there was no voice, no there was no little voice saying “Heeeeey”… coming from my butt.

Curiosity took over.  Fear subsided for the moment, pain reigned.  I sat on the toilet and pushed.  “HEY YO.  Keep pushing yo.”  I stopped and wondered if I should ask this hallucination a question.  Who are you?  What are you? What are you doing inside me?  Instead I took a deep breath and pushed with all my might.  This time relief and splashing and struggling sounds, as if something or someone was choking on something.  Then a pinch, my left cheek, an unmistakable butt pinch.  “Hey fatty would you get off the toilet your suffocating me?”  I jumped up in surprise and turned to face my horror.  There in the toilet was a foot tall green man.  He had pointy green ears, buggy lizard eyes, and a snout like a pig.  He wore a tiny Hawaiian shirt which was wet with waist and bile.  He pulled some black wayfarers out of the pocket of his cutoff jean shorts and put them on.  From his other pocket he drew a toothpick which he stuck between his yellow fanged teeth.  “Whooh.” He said “ Yo mang you want to put some clothes on.  Cuz dig this man I just came out yo butt, and I don’t wanna sit here all night and look at ya junk ya dig.  Think I seen enuf ya know what I’m saying… ya dig…?”  He looked at me with his yellow eyes as I grabbed the shower curtain and wrapped it around my lower half.  I sat down on the edge of the tub.  This was going to be a long night.  To be continued…      

 

Alex's Birthday

Alright so I got liquor balloons some gifts, I think I am done.  Man I hate shopping for someone.  They say it is the thought that counts, but if that were really true why can’t I just walk up carrying nothing and say “Hey I thought about you.”  I mean clearly I have been thinking.  I am constantly thinking.  In fact all I have been thinking about lately is what to get her for her birthday.  She isn’t going to like the gifts.  That’s ok though because she likes me so she has to pretend.  I mean if the situation was reversed I would smile and be like “no I love it, I really do.”  Saying “I really do” usually means you really don’t.

How is it that no matter where this balloon is it is in my way?  It is one balloon.  How could this one balloon be so disruptive?  I look in the rearview the balloon is there.  I look in the side mirrors the balloon is there.  I turn my head to check my blind-spot and the balloon floats into the way.  This balloon is going to cause me to get in a horrific deadly accident.  This balloon is going to inadvertently kill me.  That will teach her not to like the gifts I picked out.  I die on the way to her house with a balloon and some dodgey gifts.  It would be so tragic.  So romantic.  I would be remembered as the best boyfriend ever.  Not just some guy who was too cheap to spring for more than one balloon.  How beautiful it would be, she would have to remember these gifts forever, as the things I died for.  How tragically beautiful?  Fuck this fucking balloon is pissing me off.