Poems are Lies and All Poets Liars

You can not compare a good woman to a summer's day
The cage bird doesn't sing, it perches, pecks, and parrots because nothing happens to a deferred dream
Raisins are still dried up grapes even when you call them roses
But that doesn't stop the bard and his cronies from churning out their verses.

The world won't end in fire or in ice, and gold will still be here long after we're gone
Nothing and no one depends upon a red wheel burrow
And there is no such thing as green eggs and ham

Even Chaucer looking at his world through a microscope
Ne'er dared to examine himself with he couplets many
Too busy satirizing all others in his company

Let's face it if Mary had a little lamb she'd surely sheer and sell that snow white fleece
and supper on lamb chops.

All poems are lies and the poets liars
Just like this one.  And this one.

Brunch!!!

A BRUNCH DIALOGUE!!!

“what are you thinking about?”
“actually I was imagining that they have a giant vat of mornay sauce back there in the kitchen, which made me wonder what it would be like to jump into a giant vat of mornay sauce”
“can you float in mornay sauce.”
“ I am not sure, I imagine it would be more like quicksand, the more you struggle the further you sink.”
“I can’t imagine not being able to float in water.”
“maybe it would be so thick that you would stay on top as long as you were placed atop, with a crane very gentle like.”

“I am hot  Are you not hot? Its hot in here isn’t it?”
“I am warm.”
“It’s hot.”
“yeah.”
“You don’t think it is hot?”
“I said yes it is warm in here…”
“You don’t seem affected.”
“What is it you want… you want me to complain and say that I am uncomfortable?”
“I was just saying I am hot.”
“It is hot, you are hot, it has been noted.”

“How do you get rid of a hangover.”
“Sleep… water.”
“Maybe I will sweat it out.”
“You are in the right place its soooo hot in here!!!”
“Screw you.”
“I betcha it would be a lot warmer in a vat of mornay sauce.”
“Ugh bathing in hot cream to cure a hangover…”

“Are you going to eat your pickle?”
“I dunno I hadn’t thought about it yet… maybe.”
“Well let me know…”
“They should make sleeves to put around pickles to protect your sandwich.”
“But I like it when the chips get a little pickle juice on them…”
“Well yeah sure half soggy pickled potato chips are great but I mean to protect the bread of the sandwich.”
“Maybe they should have pickle condoms.”
“That’s practicing safe sandwich.”
:::sounds of  a pickle being eaten very slowly:::

The BLOG BLOG Blog

Welcome to the BLOG Blog-
 Where we talk about blogs and all the blogging people who love to blog their little blogging hearts out.  All these bloggies blog all blogging day long.  They blog and they blog and they think we give a blog about what goes on in their bloggie brains.  In the opinion of this blogger they should all be blogged in their blogging blogs and then go blog themselves.    
Until next Time  
Blogward J. Blogington
Cheif Blogenginere of the BLOG BLOG Blog

The King Of Partytown

His stumbly shadow is creeping up the alley, penetrating the ghostly light
     The king stomps through as if falling towards something
     Away, distant music, the sound of revelers in their prime
     He finds a quiet spot to lean and relieve himself

     The world is his urinal this king, this giant, this emperor, of this Party Town
     Fumbling with his royal scepter, just in time, he sighs and pays tribute to the cobbles
     Kings ne’er lose balance, the wire fence is kind enough to support
     He extends the royal palm and greets the fence with a kingly grumple and glurp
     A sprightly puss scurries forth from a waste bin with a mew and a hiss

     “FUCK YOU KITTY!”

     The King yells, for a cat is nothing to a King
     A mongrel awakened by the commotion of the King’s visit
     Rushes to the fence to get a closer look at the dark regal figure
     They bark and howl at one another ‘til they both succumb to wheezes and pants

     The King lets out a glorious hiccup that shakes his majestic frame
     Breathing through dragons nostrils
     The King empties his tyrants stomach
     What a gracious King for this second gift to the city
     The imperial spasms begin to subside
     The King of Party Town wipes his lips and saunters on into the night
     In search of more libations and revelry

     The way back has been blocked by metallic monsters
     Blue strobe lightening bolts shooting from their heads
     The King turns his nose up at these party poopers and strolls on
     Party Town ain’t what it used to be he thinks
     Perhaps a late night dip in the cleansing river
     A King’s baptism

     The river city is teaming with life as the King of Party Town sheds his clothes
     A man, a myth, a legend, a giant, a GOD
     The water holds him as he gazes up
     At the city
     His CITY!
     “I OWN THIS BITCH!!!”  he screams into the night

Another long lost letter from Rasputin's young Lover

My Darling Rasputin,
                               Your essence is like oxygen to me.  I keep dreaming of you wondering when my mystical pilgrim will return.  When will he bring an end to this eternal Siberian winter.  I yearn for your mystical throbbing scepter.  Without you I am the empty, barren tundra.  I still feel you where you were inside me and I want you there again.  Return to me oh Rasputin my love or love is dead. 
                                                          Das Va Danya
                                                       Svetlana Banglanka
P.S.  OMG!! I heard you were anti-war me too.  Of course, we have to do what is good for mother Russia, but not at the cost of innocent lives.  Oh you are so smart and cute I want to kiss you right on your scraggley beard.  SMOOCHIES!!!

GUM!

             My Chinese friend Gum and I were driving in the car and he was telling me about how one time he disintegrated.  All of his cells and particles and atoms dissolved out into the Universe.  In this moment he felt a complete deep spiritual connection with the Universe.  More than a connection in fact, he was the universe.  In that instant he became every blade of grass blowing in the wind.  He felt the plight of the homeless and indigent and felt the immortality of the rockstar.  He was the morning dew and a cloudy sunrise bleeding orange, red and purple sweeps across the sky.  To him it seemed he was consciousness.  It was at this point that it all came to him.  The answer to the eternal question.  A meaning to this life.  A purpose to these seemingly random events and to natures cruelty.  I asked him what the answer was and he responded.  “I dunno dude… I forgot.” 

That Picture of Food Looked So Good

Dear FoodyDuder.blogspot.com,
    First off, let me say that I am an avid reader of your BLOG.  I enjoy your insight into the wonderfully delectable world of food.  You always floor me with how you structure your sentences in a way that you literally put foreign tastes in my mouth.  It is sometimes unsettling how you invade me orally.  I keep coming back for more because like you I am a food lover.  Recently you began posting pictures of food with your BLOG posts and for the most part they have been just as mouth-watering as your commentary.  This is where my “beef” with your BLOG begins.  The latest picture of your Grandma’s Lasagna was so vivid, so life like, in a way almost sensual, and at the same time lurid.  When I saw it an urge came over me, ripples of excitement went up and down my spine, I found myself filled with desire.  Before I knew it I had taken a bite right out of my IPAD.  After the third bite I realized that I was not tasting Lasagna, but the latest hip apple technology.  It was not your grandmothers homemade marinara running down my chin, but blood, the blood of a fool that dared to dream.  Somewhere between the second and third bites is when I began to think something was amiss, but I thought a healthy addition of parmesan may fix the problem.  It was all for not.  When I left the hospital the next day, I was informed that I could not eat solid foods for the next two months.  I have not gone to your BLOG since this incident so as not to tempt myself to break my sutures in another orgiastic food frenzy.  Even though I still love your BLOG with all my heart, it has ruined me physically, emotionally, and dare I say sexually.  I thought you should know FOODYDUDER… a BLOGGER has a responsibility to his fans.
                        FUDLUVR@gmail.com

A Farewell To Summer

Dig Dig in don't let the wind pull you away
Keep the air in your sail and the wind at your back

Feel the sun on your face
And wet your feet in the water of life

Cartwheel in the quicksand
And dance in a monsoon of fire

Howl bark, scream, and yulp
'til your throat is screaming

Kick sand in their faces because they don't know shit
Build a castle and lay siege to it

Pillage and burn the battlements!
Hit the deck, Hit the deck
Crawl on your belly when your feet give out
Punch God in the face
Piss off the Universe
This is all there is and time is running out

The New Kid(inspired by actual events although the names have been changed)

When I was 7 years old I fell in love.  At the time I didn't know it was love.  In fact at the time I didn't know much of anything.  I just knew that Anna Remington and I liked chasing eachother.  Neither of us knew what to do once one of us had been caught but we still chased.  Every afternoon on the playground we would run circles around the other kids while they played hopscotch and foursquare.  Anna was a mild obsession of mine, if a scatterbrained 7 year old could be obsessed.  She was one of only a few people that I pal'ed around with.  I didn't have many friends because I had an overprotective mother who wouldn't let me cross certain streets that she deemed too dangerous.  Besides in her mind I had an older brother and sister what did I need friends for.  I also had nocturnal epilepsy, which basically meant that some nights without any explanation right before I would fall asleep I would have a seizure.  I would moan, grunt, vomit and then pass out in a pool of my own sick.  Luckily, at that age I shared a room with my brother.  He usually would wake up and run to get my Dad.  Then I would wake up in the bath tub with the smell of stomach acid in my nose.  For this reason my Mom did not let me sleep over at other peoples houses, "too risky" is what she said.  Anna didn't know about my health problems.  She didn't know I cried when I had to go to school.  She didn't know that by this point the powers that be had read some test scores and decided that I probably had a learning disability.  All she knew was that she liked to chase me and I liked to chase her.
David Smithe was a new kid.  And I mean new.  His parents had moved in to town a few months before 3rd grade had started.  When you are new at that age it can basically go two ways for you.  One, everyone thinks you are new and special and different so you are immediately showered with attention and you make fast friends, or two everyone hates you, like David.  I have yet to pinpoint exactly why there seemed to be only two options.  David had dark viscious eyebrows that made him look like an old man, he wore clothes that were just a little too clean, and he ate his boogers.  When his fists were not half way up his nose they were picking fights with the biggest guys in school.  Sure maybe I don't know who fired the first shot but David definitely didn't make it any easier on himself.  I stayed clear of him for a few reasons.  Mainly because I was a coward and didn't want to fight anyone, also I just didn't like the way he looked.  The only other reason was, it seemed that whoever was near David was always treated with the same disrespect.  Even the teachers assumed that if you were with him you were up to no good.  I was civil, I picked up his books when they were knocked out of his hands making sure not to make eye contact.  I never called him names and always tried to ignore how bad he smelled.
One day Anna and I were up to our usual routine, when we bumped into a group of people that were all gathered around David yelling what 7 year olds thought were obscenities at him.  Anna stopped to join in on the action.  David turned towards us and with a maniacal grin yelled " Oh look its Joseph and his girlfriend."  Everyone stopped time stopped, I looked from Anna to David to the rest of the crowd.  Millions of thoughts and feelings danced through my brain and stomach.  I was mortified that someone used my name and the word girlfriend in the same sentence, but elated that I finally realized why I had been chasing Anna.  I wanted her for my own, she was a beautiful brunette goddess in denim overalls.  I wanted to go on quests for her.  Then David's smile grew larger as if he somehow read my mind and had found a weakness in me.  He began the chant, the dreaded chant " JOSEPH AND ANNA SITTIN' A TREE K I S S I N G...".  You know the rest now there were hot waves of embarrassment pulsating through my body.  My face was now red and burning.  And then the crowd joined in.  I stood there frozen not knowing what to do, I looked towards Anna for some help or sign that she too felt the same.  She looked back at me first in puzzlement.  Then it only took a second, but I saw it all in slow motion.  She looked from me to the crowd then to David.  At last she had made her decision.  She turned back to me with a look of disgust in her pale blue eyes.  She screamed,"EWWW!!", and pushed me.  It had been raining that morning and I fell right there in the mud.  My world was shattered.  The whole playground was laughter.  Anna ran a safe distance away and looked back but I couldn't see the expression on her face.  I only had eyes for one thing on the playground and DAVID was its name.  There was a new feeling boiling inside me: RAGE.  Rage that only seemed to grow more with time and with every thought in my brain.  NEW KID, LOVE, ANNA, BOOGERS, HATE, SMELL!!!
    I couldn't sleep that night.  My stomach ached.  Tears were flowing now, not tears from being hurt or sad, it was if the anger that was boiling inside of me was seeping out of my eyes and on to my pillow.  The next day I did not listen to anything my teacher said I didn't look at Anna but I felt her gaze.  I tried to burn holes in David with my eyes.  I sat there wishing that the yellow sun would give me super powers to exact my revenge.  Then came recess.  I walked around the playground, I couldn't feel the ground beneath my feet, the trees had no color, I couldn't even taste my snack.  Everything was a dull grey that somehow throbbed at the edges of my perifereal vision.  There was a commotion near the edge of the basketball court that caught my attention.  There was a large crowd of students standing 10 feet away from one figure and they were shouting at the figure.  When I investigated I realized that over half my class were throwing rocks at David and David was weaving around and trying to throw rocks back.  In the middle of the terrorists was Anna.  Laughing with delight as she let loose another rock.  I got closer and Anna looked at me.  She picked up a rock and handed it to me without words.  I looked down at the rock and back up to her smiling face.  She was beautiful, she was eve and here was my apple.  She looked puzzled as I dropped the rock, I bent down to the ground and found a jagged hunk of granite that had somehow mixed itself with some asvault.  It looked evil.  When I stood back up Anna's devilish smile had returned she knew now that the rock that she had given me was not worthy of its task.  I looked over at david as I tossed the rock up to check its weight.  He saw in my eyes that he would not escape this rock.  It was a David and Goliath story and this time GOLIATH had all the rocks and was going to crush to interloper DAVID.  The NEW KID!!  I took one last look at Anna and her smile fortified me.  I brought my arm back.  As I did this I remembered a few things.  Number 1 throwing rocks is bad.  Number 2 my brother hit me with a rock once and it hurt.  Number 3 my mom will kill me if this missle finds its target.  And my heart was no longer in it.  But my arm was already making the motion.  So, at the last second I slowed my arms momentum down and closed my eyes, knowing that it would miss its target but I would still look in Anna's eyes like a warrior. 
    When I opened my eyes I saw Anna looking very worried.  The crowd had disappeared I looked for where my rock had landed and almost collapsed.  At the exact moment that my rock was supposed to go sailing to the ground a boy named Trent happened to walk between David and I.  Trent was now clutching his nose with a mixture of blood and tears dripping from his face.  Anna desserted me.  David ran off.  I stood there with a very dumb look on my face.  As soon as I had the idea that I better run away Principal Sword grabbed me by the elbow.  How did he get there that fast, I always thought it might have been a set up.  but No I was just a fool who had lingered to long at the scene of a crime.  Principal Sword asked me " What were you thinking?"  All I could think in my head was "I was aiming for the New Kid".  I didn't say anything.  Since that day I never threw another rock... well not without aiming first of course.    

ON THE AFTERLIFE

ON THE AFTERLIFE: There is a world outside this world... and outside that world is another world that everybody is trying to get to. There is a waiting list and it is actually not all it's cracked up to be. I mean sure it is eternal and infinite, but how long can that last. There is shrimp a plenty and a never ending salad bar. But the happy hour leaves something to be desired, I mean the prices are decent but the beer selection is honestly sub par. In this place the place that we are striving to get to, there is no pain or suffering, nor toil, nor hunger. But there sure is some sexy beach babes of all variety. Also beach volleyball is mandatory.

A long lost letter from Rasputin's young lover

Darling Rasputin,

                My love, my life, you have invaded my soul.  You have healed me in ways you could never know.  I ache for your touch.  My wound awaits your return, my pilgrim.  At night I look out at the Tura River, the cold, darkness, and I think of us having a simple life as peasants.  But God called you, His prophet, and you answered.  I hate Him for it.  I have sinned in my thoughts.  Each night I flagellate myself to atone for my blasphemy.  I think of you as my switch breaks the skin of my naked body.  It is wrong to derive such pleasure out of my penance; I sin again.  I am in torment without you here to teach, guide, love, touch, heal, and fill me with your essence.  My womb groans for you.  My darling Rasputin - return to me.

                                                                                                Yours,

                                                                                   Svetlana Banglanka 

P.S.  What is the Tsar like? The whole Romanov family seems super interesting.  How is everyone’s health, I heard somewhere he picks his nose OMG is that true?