HAPPY HOUR WEEKDAYS 3-6
Three happy hours in one bar. Is the alcohol making me happy, or is it the prices?
RAIL HIGH BALLS
That sounds dangerously sexual. But for $2 who wouldn't partake in this discounted sexy danger?
SOME EXCLUSIONS APPLY
I'd rather they didn't and save the Human Resources department a lot of trouble.
MONDAY - FRIDAY
Escape!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
A touch and Breeze
A touch and a breeze
While the Indian summer makes lover’s sweat of us all
The night chills the dewdrop skin while naked shapes caress in the moon shadow
To be young and gone and turned on and beautiful is living in twilight
Everything is immediate
Fleeting and inconstant
The fire engine red leaves fall and turn brown
Swept up and mulched
The lovers part making way for the cold
Blizzards rage and the lips pressed together are chapped
Dried up and bleeding
Then while the world is quiet and empty and white
There seems to be nothing else and they reach once again
And their lust melts the snow
Hearths and hearts fogging up windows with their hot wet panting breath
But the wind becomes warm
Marigolds and daffodils bloom
He can’t remember which she liked and they drift apart on the warm breeze
Spring has sprung and the lovers know that another season is just round the bend
A touch and a breeze and it’s gone
While the Indian summer makes lover’s sweat of us all
The night chills the dewdrop skin while naked shapes caress in the moon shadow
To be young and gone and turned on and beautiful is living in twilight
Everything is immediate
Fleeting and inconstant
The fire engine red leaves fall and turn brown
Swept up and mulched
The lovers part making way for the cold
Blizzards rage and the lips pressed together are chapped
Dried up and bleeding
Then while the world is quiet and empty and white
There seems to be nothing else and they reach once again
And their lust melts the snow
Hearths and hearts fogging up windows with their hot wet panting breath
But the wind becomes warm
Marigolds and daffodils bloom
He can’t remember which she liked and they drift apart on the warm breeze
Spring has sprung and the lovers know that another season is just round the bend
A touch and a breeze and it’s gone
Friday, February 22, 2013
Everyone Who Goes to Johnston Willis Hospital Dies
I remember my mother’s face peering down at me. My hair is matted down on my left side, and my nose is full of something that stings. My throat is dry and my mouth feels crusty. I am wet. A hand is sliding down the left side of my face. A furry moistened hand.
“Joseph, Joseph, Joseph…” There are sobs.
My eyelid is peeled back and a fire burns it. Uniformed men are thumping around the tulip wallpaper. Hands in my armpits tickle as I am lifted. There is a sharp prick in my hand as a belt is tightening around my chest.
“Hey honey?” My moms voice… Where am I? Hospital. A man in a white coat says that I had a… Grand Maul. They are all staring at me but not talking to me. Their eyes look sad. I have a soar throat. The other’s leave. My mom and I look at each other. There is a thin curtain next to the bed I am in. My mom squeezes my hand. “You had another seizure and you wouldn’t wake up.” My face is hot and I feel different and alien and fragile. My mom always said that everyone who goes to Johnston willis hospital dies. I look around. My mom tells me I’ll be fine. “Try to get some sleep.”
My eyes open to a loud bang. The doors at the end of the hall have burst open. A black haired man in a white suit is strapped to a table with people all dressed in green rushing him in. They push the table up to a wall and pull a curtain around him. I can just see silhouettes. His head had a gash in it and the shoulders of his suit had turned pink. I close my eyes again as things start to calm down.
My eyes open my mom is standing up looking worried. There are loud yells. One of the nurses comes out from behind a curtain nearby with her hand over her face and blood gushing from her nose. Doctors come running and grab her and rush her to a bed. The pink and white suited man creeps out from behind the curtain blood drips from his mouth and he staggers as if drunk. His pants around his ankles he turns to face me and my mother. He stares at us and there is nothing behind those eyes.
My mom moves between him and me and puts her back to me. I have to lean over to peer around my mom. The man is stumbling towards us and grunting and hissing like an animal. A nurse and two uniformed man walk up calmly and grab his arms. He begins to struggle and he bites one of the uniformed men on the cheek tearing some flesh away. “Fuck this fucker bit me.” There are more screams from down the hall and the sound of people running. A third uniformed man walks up and puts a shotgun to the head of the man in the white suit. There is a loud bang and I blink my eyes and when they open again the mans head is gone, just smoke from the gun barrel and a pink mist flying through the air.
We’re running down the hall of the hospital, the emergency lights are blinking on and off. And there are constant thuds on every door we pass from former patients, now something different. Its me, my mom, two cops, and a nurse. We left the guy with the cheek bite behind one of the cops said there was nothing we could do for him. Something comes into view and the cop drops it before we can even make out if it is human or not. My mom is crying, my feet are bear and I am in a hospital gown so I start to shiver from the cold.
One cop is dead or gone the other is bleeding from his arm. We were swarmed by a bunch of them and began running back the way we came. My mom falls and I stop to grab her but before I can they get her. I have hold of her arm as they start to tear her apart there is blood everywhere but I still have her arm, then I realize that’s all I have and I drop it and run. The nurse and I are all that’s left.
We are hiding in one of the private rooms we have the hospital bed blocking the door. She isn’t crying she keeps telling me it is going to be alright. She asks “ why were you in here anyway”. I told her I had a seizure and I wouldn’t wake up and she looks at me with sad eyes.
“Joseph, Joseph, Joseph…” There are sobs.
My eyelid is peeled back and a fire burns it. Uniformed men are thumping around the tulip wallpaper. Hands in my armpits tickle as I am lifted. There is a sharp prick in my hand as a belt is tightening around my chest.
“Hey honey?” My moms voice… Where am I? Hospital. A man in a white coat says that I had a… Grand Maul. They are all staring at me but not talking to me. Their eyes look sad. I have a soar throat. The other’s leave. My mom and I look at each other. There is a thin curtain next to the bed I am in. My mom squeezes my hand. “You had another seizure and you wouldn’t wake up.” My face is hot and I feel different and alien and fragile. My mom always said that everyone who goes to Johnston willis hospital dies. I look around. My mom tells me I’ll be fine. “Try to get some sleep.”
My eyes open to a loud bang. The doors at the end of the hall have burst open. A black haired man in a white suit is strapped to a table with people all dressed in green rushing him in. They push the table up to a wall and pull a curtain around him. I can just see silhouettes. His head had a gash in it and the shoulders of his suit had turned pink. I close my eyes again as things start to calm down.
My eyes open my mom is standing up looking worried. There are loud yells. One of the nurses comes out from behind a curtain nearby with her hand over her face and blood gushing from her nose. Doctors come running and grab her and rush her to a bed. The pink and white suited man creeps out from behind the curtain blood drips from his mouth and he staggers as if drunk. His pants around his ankles he turns to face me and my mother. He stares at us and there is nothing behind those eyes.
My mom moves between him and me and puts her back to me. I have to lean over to peer around my mom. The man is stumbling towards us and grunting and hissing like an animal. A nurse and two uniformed man walk up calmly and grab his arms. He begins to struggle and he bites one of the uniformed men on the cheek tearing some flesh away. “Fuck this fucker bit me.” There are more screams from down the hall and the sound of people running. A third uniformed man walks up and puts a shotgun to the head of the man in the white suit. There is a loud bang and I blink my eyes and when they open again the mans head is gone, just smoke from the gun barrel and a pink mist flying through the air.
We’re running down the hall of the hospital, the emergency lights are blinking on and off. And there are constant thuds on every door we pass from former patients, now something different. Its me, my mom, two cops, and a nurse. We left the guy with the cheek bite behind one of the cops said there was nothing we could do for him. Something comes into view and the cop drops it before we can even make out if it is human or not. My mom is crying, my feet are bear and I am in a hospital gown so I start to shiver from the cold.
One cop is dead or gone the other is bleeding from his arm. We were swarmed by a bunch of them and began running back the way we came. My mom falls and I stop to grab her but before I can they get her. I have hold of her arm as they start to tear her apart there is blood everywhere but I still have her arm, then I realize that’s all I have and I drop it and run. The nurse and I are all that’s left.
We are hiding in one of the private rooms we have the hospital bed blocking the door. She isn’t crying she keeps telling me it is going to be alright. She asks “ why were you in here anyway”. I told her I had a seizure and I wouldn’t wake up and she looks at me with sad eyes.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
The Tan Girl In the Bar
“Great
minds think alike!” the man with the purple nose said through yellow
teeth. The tan girl raised her glass and
gave a smile and a nod. She sipped her
drink gingerly and set it down on a soiled cocktail napkin. Her hands shook as ripples of delight surged
through her body. Leonard the barkeep
made the drinks stiff because that was the way his customers liked them. The purple man began to mumble to no one in
particular. There were a few patrons at
one end of the bar that looked out of place in their sport’s jackets and
starched shirts. The tan girl noticed
them and adjusted her skirt and crossed her legs. She was there to work after all. One of the sport’s jackets met her eyes and
winked. The tan of her face wrinkled at
the corner of her eyes and mouth as she gave them a smile. The winker walked over to her and asked to
buy her a drink. The tan girl looked
down at her full glass and said she was fine.
They began to talk business and she twirled her brown curls through her
fingers. The sports jacket laughed at
her caustic humor, and he was hooked.
Now the moment was coming the stars were aligned. The spider had a fly in her web and was ready
to devour him. The sports jacket began
to sweat at his temples and his collar seemed too tight. Her gaze was like a spot light shining down
on him. For a moment the whole world was
silent waiting for this lioness to pounce.
And then she spoke saying: “Well Tom are you sure you prepared for
everything. I mean if something, God
forbid, should happen to you, would your family be taken care of? No one could ever have too much life insurance,
ya know. And I think I have just the
policy for you. It’s our platinum
membership…” She droned on knowing that
she had her prey right where she wanted him.
The sport’s jacket stood there squirming in a vain attempt to get away
from this tan goddess, nay devil. The
man with the purple nose burped and slid off his stool and stumbled towards the
door shaking his head. He shivered as he
walked out into the cold night air, but as scared as he was of what he had just
witnessed he took solace in the fact that he was a simple sort and would ne’er
fall victim to shedevils like the tan girl in the bar.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Thoughts On Al Gores Greatest Invention
SEXUAL PREDATION: At first glance you may think that the internet is the perfect medium for sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and molestation. The impersonal anonymity of the internet does make it less likely for you to expose yourself for who you are, unless there is a web cam and then there are plenty of chances to expose one’s ….self. The fact of the matter is that any sexual predator worth his salt knows that the interweb is quite possibly the worst place to find a victim. Not to say that the internet is not full of victims we all know it is rife with plenty of un-expecting unassuming nerds who are just trying to meet a nice guy ya know. When you commit a sex crime the last thing you want to leave is a DNA trail back to yourself luckily it is very hard to collect semen over wifi; however, the second to last thing you want to leave is a paper trail. The only thing worse than a paper trail is a DIGITAL paper trail and what is the internet if not a BIG GIANT DIGITAL paper trail just waiting to get you on dateline (the cookies and free public exposure is not worth it). So sleaze balls steer clear, head back to the public libraries and YMCA locker rooms like proper perverts and leave the internet predator free.
EMPLOYMENT: Finding employment online is quite possibly the most depressing process one could go through. It is a constant false hope tickler. Just when you think you found a legitimate job, translating some Nigerian prince’s memoir, the carpet of stability is pulled right out from under you. You had pause when they thought you, a non college grad with little work experience except for pizza hut, would be perfect to edit this man’s opus. However, you know what color your parachute is so you decided to throw caution to the wind, and buy the electronic checks that they explained were necessary in order to convert the money they would pay you from gold krugerrands to crisp American dollars. You almost had a job!!! You emailed Grammy and told her everything was going to be ok. Now you are out of work and poor. So get out and try to get a job the old fashioned way. Because your best case scenario online is you either end up with a job that you hate or stuck in a pyramid scheme.
DATING: More power to all the people who have found their “soulmates” online. The main issue with online dating is that you are never going to find anyone better than yourself on the internet. If you have already resigned yourself to the internet you have to remember that everyone you are meeting has as well. As far as I can tell there are a few different types of online daters. #1 Lonely people who’s friends are all married: This is the most wholesome category and I don’t have many jokes to make about them, they got it rough enough. #2) You have overworked professionals who think they have never had time to date, but secretly they have personality types that are so driven and ambitious that no one likes them. Sure they are go getters and you may have more fun with them than you had with anybody else. The simple fact remains they will never be content to chill out on the couch with you and that makes them incapable of intimacy ( also no one thinks they are more of a catch than themselves). #3) is a predominantly male category I like to call them Hook upers. I have heard several stories of women meeting guys online dating them a few times, then as soon as bodily fluids are exchanged contact is severed. Your best bet is to call some old friends and be slightly more social than usual. If those kinds of things are hard for you there are plenty of doctor prescribed things to lubricate your social muscles, also alcohol can help in moderation however too much alcohol will probably put you back to where you started.
SMOKE DANK!!!
NEWS: You can’t trust anything on the internet to be news. We all know that we love going to blogs where faux intellectuals spew out the news with the same virulent biases we have. Its comforting like a warm blanket to know that there is another crackpot out there that thinks that universal healthcare is somehow going to destabilize the whole country and then the world. And that the real residents of Arizona would love to be stopped in suspicion of being an illegal alien because “WE WERE BORN HERE GAH DANGIT”. And of course we all love to here that although the earth has been going through constant periods of climate change in the millions of years before humans existed that somehow in our short time we managed to fuck it up exponentially. So, no matter whether you were excited when Anderson Cooper got punched in the head or mortified, lets face it you still don’t know shit about shit and neither does the internet. BLOGS SUCK!!!
ORDERING PIZZA: It is already extremely lazy that someone brings you food. Until they can actually send the pizza to my email address I am abstaining.
SHOPPING: Look, I realize that our economy now depends on all you internet shoppers, I just think that some of us have gotten out of hand. For instance you do not need a another Tee shirt with three puppies playing with the tag line mutts gone nuttZ. Secondly, stop buying things while drunk. If you are half naked and smell like schlitz they wouldn’t let you in the store so treat the internet the same way and sleep it off. You most likely will not want whatever it is in the morning.
LAUNCHING YOUR MUSIC CAREER: Nobody wants to hear it.
MAKING HILARIOUS VIDEOS: This will never get you anywhere… Have you ever heard of “The lonely island” or “Derek Comedy”… yeah didn’t think so.
ATTEMPTING TO REPLACE REGIS: Because that’s my job!!!!!
usage
PORN: This is actually an appropriate use just don’t pay for it and delete your history often.
EMPLOYMENT: Finding employment online is quite possibly the most depressing process one could go through. It is a constant false hope tickler. Just when you think you found a legitimate job, translating some Nigerian prince’s memoir, the carpet of stability is pulled right out from under you. You had pause when they thought you, a non college grad with little work experience except for pizza hut, would be perfect to edit this man’s opus. However, you know what color your parachute is so you decided to throw caution to the wind, and buy the electronic checks that they explained were necessary in order to convert the money they would pay you from gold krugerrands to crisp American dollars. You almost had a job!!! You emailed Grammy and told her everything was going to be ok. Now you are out of work and poor. So get out and try to get a job the old fashioned way. Because your best case scenario online is you either end up with a job that you hate or stuck in a pyramid scheme.
DATING: More power to all the people who have found their “soulmates” online. The main issue with online dating is that you are never going to find anyone better than yourself on the internet. If you have already resigned yourself to the internet you have to remember that everyone you are meeting has as well. As far as I can tell there are a few different types of online daters. #1 Lonely people who’s friends are all married: This is the most wholesome category and I don’t have many jokes to make about them, they got it rough enough. #2) You have overworked professionals who think they have never had time to date, but secretly they have personality types that are so driven and ambitious that no one likes them. Sure they are go getters and you may have more fun with them than you had with anybody else. The simple fact remains they will never be content to chill out on the couch with you and that makes them incapable of intimacy ( also no one thinks they are more of a catch than themselves). #3) is a predominantly male category I like to call them Hook upers. I have heard several stories of women meeting guys online dating them a few times, then as soon as bodily fluids are exchanged contact is severed. Your best bet is to call some old friends and be slightly more social than usual. If those kinds of things are hard for you there are plenty of doctor prescribed things to lubricate your social muscles, also alcohol can help in moderation however too much alcohol will probably put you back to where you started.
SMOKE DANK!!!
NEWS: You can’t trust anything on the internet to be news. We all know that we love going to blogs where faux intellectuals spew out the news with the same virulent biases we have. Its comforting like a warm blanket to know that there is another crackpot out there that thinks that universal healthcare is somehow going to destabilize the whole country and then the world. And that the real residents of Arizona would love to be stopped in suspicion of being an illegal alien because “WE WERE BORN HERE GAH DANGIT”. And of course we all love to here that although the earth has been going through constant periods of climate change in the millions of years before humans existed that somehow in our short time we managed to fuck it up exponentially. So, no matter whether you were excited when Anderson Cooper got punched in the head or mortified, lets face it you still don’t know shit about shit and neither does the internet. BLOGS SUCK!!!
ORDERING PIZZA: It is already extremely lazy that someone brings you food. Until they can actually send the pizza to my email address I am abstaining.
SHOPPING: Look, I realize that our economy now depends on all you internet shoppers, I just think that some of us have gotten out of hand. For instance you do not need a another Tee shirt with three puppies playing with the tag line mutts gone nuttZ. Secondly, stop buying things while drunk. If you are half naked and smell like schlitz they wouldn’t let you in the store so treat the internet the same way and sleep it off. You most likely will not want whatever it is in the morning.
LAUNCHING YOUR MUSIC CAREER: Nobody wants to hear it.
MAKING HILARIOUS VIDEOS: This will never get you anywhere… Have you ever heard of “The lonely island” or “Derek Comedy”… yeah didn’t think so.
ATTEMPTING TO REPLACE REGIS: Because that’s my job!!!!!
usage
PORN: This is actually an appropriate use just don’t pay for it and delete your history often.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Parabola of the Prodigal Sum and other math myths for the "arithmemystic"
The shepherd Hypotenuse had two sons. The elder, who was called a^2, was obedient and good. He tended his father’s flock with an acute sense of responsibility. b^2, the lesser of the two, was a more obtuse boy he was often found leaning against the fence at an angle, looking out over the entire area of the farm, lost in thought. Hypotenuse thought it just didn’t add up, he couldn’t fathom it, he had raised them both in equal measure why then were the boys’ attitudes so incongruous. Why was there such a division?
One day Hypotenuse went to b^2 and asked him why he was not more like his brother a^2. Why did he not stay inside the perimeter of normal behavior?
b^2 spoke saying, “Father I can’t begin to enumerate the varied, infinite, and unquantifiable answers to that question.”
Then Hypotenuse said, “ Have you not a fraction of work ethic?”
To which the lesser son responded, “ Father I could never be equal to your expectations of me. So, I must go and subtract myself from your company.”
And so b^2 was taken away, leaving only a^2 behind to tend their father’s flock. Five years passed and b^2 traveled at a speed of ten miles per day. Now it just so happened that there was a train going approximately double his speed leaving Chicago at 9 am. If b^2 was only carrying five pounds then how many fattened calves would be killed when he returns home?
One day Hypotenuse went to b^2 and asked him why he was not more like his brother a^2. Why did he not stay inside the perimeter of normal behavior?
b^2 spoke saying, “Father I can’t begin to enumerate the varied, infinite, and unquantifiable answers to that question.”
Then Hypotenuse said, “ Have you not a fraction of work ethic?”
To which the lesser son responded, “ Father I could never be equal to your expectations of me. So, I must go and subtract myself from your company.”
And so b^2 was taken away, leaving only a^2 behind to tend their father’s flock. Five years passed and b^2 traveled at a speed of ten miles per day. Now it just so happened that there was a train going approximately double his speed leaving Chicago at 9 am. If b^2 was only carrying five pounds then how many fattened calves would be killed when he returns home?
Monday, January 14, 2013
THE BIBLE 2: A NEW NEW TESTAMENT!!!
Chapter 1; Verse 1::
Our story begins the way many others don’t with an end. In fact THE END. The end to all that was ever known or sought or thought or bought or sold or speculated upon. The end to all that was conceived or concealed or revealed or congealed. The end of all things, the most important of which at least to this story, the end of all human life.
Some said it would end in fire, others said Ice. Still others said we would Nuke each other to death. Some said the world was warming up to fast, some said it was too chilly so you should put on your jacket. A good many thought that the year 2000 would bring a cataclysmic event, at least financially although the smart money was on 2012. But alas both bets were wrong. And thus God really confused everybody when he simply popped his head out of his far off interstellar hut and said:
“SHUT THAT LIGHT OFF… Can’t a guy get some sleep around here?” And there was no light. No Light meant no life. With this one sentence God uncreated all that he had created. It took him a week the first time and he had been resting ever since. This time it took him roughly 5 seconds.
To be continued…
Our story begins the way many others don’t with an end. In fact THE END. The end to all that was ever known or sought or thought or bought or sold or speculated upon. The end to all that was conceived or concealed or revealed or congealed. The end of all things, the most important of which at least to this story, the end of all human life.
Some said it would end in fire, others said Ice. Still others said we would Nuke each other to death. Some said the world was warming up to fast, some said it was too chilly so you should put on your jacket. A good many thought that the year 2000 would bring a cataclysmic event, at least financially although the smart money was on 2012. But alas both bets were wrong. And thus God really confused everybody when he simply popped his head out of his far off interstellar hut and said:
“SHUT THAT LIGHT OFF… Can’t a guy get some sleep around here?” And there was no light. No Light meant no life. With this one sentence God uncreated all that he had created. It took him a week the first time and he had been resting ever since. This time it took him roughly 5 seconds.
To be continued…
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