SEXUAL PREDATION: At first glance you may think that the internet is the perfect medium for sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and molestation. The impersonal anonymity of the internet does make it less likely for you to expose yourself for who you are, unless there is a web cam and then there are plenty of chances to expose one’s ….self. The fact of the matter is that any sexual predator worth his salt knows that the interweb is quite possibly the worst place to find a victim. Not to say that the internet is not full of victims we all know it is rife with plenty of un-expecting unassuming nerds who are just trying to meet a nice guy ya know. When you commit a sex crime the last thing you want to leave is a DNA trail back to yourself luckily it is very hard to collect semen over wifi; however, the second to last thing you want to leave is a paper trail. The only thing worse than a paper trail is a DIGITAL paper trail and what is the internet if not a BIG GIANT DIGITAL paper trail just waiting to get you on dateline (the cookies and free public exposure is not worth it). So sleaze balls steer clear, head back to the public libraries and YMCA locker rooms like proper perverts and leave the internet predator free.
EMPLOYMENT: Finding employment online is quite possibly the most depressing process one could go through. It is a constant false hope tickler. Just when you think you found a legitimate job, translating some Nigerian prince’s memoir, the carpet of stability is pulled right out from under you. You had pause when they thought you, a non college grad with little work experience except for pizza hut, would be perfect to edit this man’s opus. However, you know what color your parachute is so you decided to throw caution to the wind, and buy the electronic checks that they explained were necessary in order to convert the money they would pay you from gold krugerrands to crisp American dollars. You almost had a job!!! You emailed Grammy and told her everything was going to be ok. Now you are out of work and poor. So get out and try to get a job the old fashioned way. Because your best case scenario online is you either end up with a job that you hate or stuck in a pyramid scheme.
DATING: More power to all the people who have found their “soulmates” online. The main issue with online dating is that you are never going to find anyone better than yourself on the internet. If you have already resigned yourself to the internet you have to remember that everyone you are meeting has as well. As far as I can tell there are a few different types of online daters. #1 Lonely people who’s friends are all married: This is the most wholesome category and I don’t have many jokes to make about them, they got it rough enough. #2) You have overworked professionals who think they have never had time to date, but secretly they have personality types that are so driven and ambitious that no one likes them. Sure they are go getters and you may have more fun with them than you had with anybody else. The simple fact remains they will never be content to chill out on the couch with you and that makes them incapable of intimacy ( also no one thinks they are more of a catch than themselves). #3) is a predominantly male category I like to call them Hook upers. I have heard several stories of women meeting guys online dating them a few times, then as soon as bodily fluids are exchanged contact is severed. Your best bet is to call some old friends and be slightly more social than usual. If those kinds of things are hard for you there are plenty of doctor prescribed things to lubricate your social muscles, also alcohol can help in moderation however too much alcohol will probably put you back to where you started.
SMOKE DANK!!!
NEWS: You can’t trust anything on the internet to be news. We all know that we love going to blogs where faux intellectuals spew out the news with the same virulent biases we have. Its comforting like a warm blanket to know that there is another crackpot out there that thinks that universal healthcare is somehow going to destabilize the whole country and then the world. And that the real residents of Arizona would love to be stopped in suspicion of being an illegal alien because “WE WERE BORN HERE GAH DANGIT”. And of course we all love to here that although the earth has been going through constant periods of climate change in the millions of years before humans existed that somehow in our short time we managed to fuck it up exponentially. So, no matter whether you were excited when Anderson Cooper got punched in the head or mortified, lets face it you still don’t know shit about shit and neither does the internet. BLOGS SUCK!!!
ORDERING PIZZA: It is already extremely lazy that someone brings you food. Until they can actually send the pizza to my email address I am abstaining.
SHOPPING: Look, I realize that our economy now depends on all you internet shoppers, I just think that some of us have gotten out of hand. For instance you do not need a another Tee shirt with three puppies playing with the tag line mutts gone nuttZ. Secondly, stop buying things while drunk. If you are half naked and smell like schlitz they wouldn’t let you in the store so treat the internet the same way and sleep it off. You most likely will not want whatever it is in the morning.
LAUNCHING YOUR MUSIC CAREER: Nobody wants to hear it.
MAKING HILARIOUS VIDEOS: This will never get you anywhere… Have you ever heard of “The lonely island” or “Derek Comedy”… yeah didn’t think so.
ATTEMPTING TO REPLACE REGIS: Because that’s my job!!!!!
usage
PORN: This is actually an appropriate use just don’t pay for it and delete your history often.
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