That Picture of Food Looked So Good

Dear FoodyDuder.blogspot.com,
    First off, let me say that I am an avid reader of your BLOG.  I enjoy your insight into the wonderfully delectable world of food.  You always floor me with how you structure your sentences in a way that you literally put foreign tastes in my mouth.  It is sometimes unsettling how you invade me orally.  I keep coming back for more because like you I am a food lover.  Recently you began posting pictures of food with your BLOG posts and for the most part they have been just as mouth-watering as your commentary.  This is where my “beef” with your BLOG begins.  The latest picture of your Grandma’s Lasagna was so vivid, so life like, in a way almost sensual, and at the same time lurid.  When I saw it an urge came over me, ripples of excitement went up and down my spine, I found myself filled with desire.  Before I knew it I had taken a bite right out of my IPAD.  After the third bite I realized that I was not tasting Lasagna, but the latest hip apple technology.  It was not your grandmothers homemade marinara running down my chin, but blood, the blood of a fool that dared to dream.  Somewhere between the second and third bites is when I began to think something was amiss, but I thought a healthy addition of parmesan may fix the problem.  It was all for not.  When I left the hospital the next day, I was informed that I could not eat solid foods for the next two months.  I have not gone to your BLOG since this incident so as not to tempt myself to break my sutures in another orgiastic food frenzy.  Even though I still love your BLOG with all my heart, it has ruined me physically, emotionally, and dare I say sexually.  I thought you should know FOODYDUDER… a BLOGGER has a responsibility to his fans.
                        FUDLUVR@gmail.com

A Farewell To Summer

Dig Dig in don't let the wind pull you away
Keep the air in your sail and the wind at your back

Feel the sun on your face
And wet your feet in the water of life

Cartwheel in the quicksand
And dance in a monsoon of fire

Howl bark, scream, and yulp
'til your throat is screaming

Kick sand in their faces because they don't know shit
Build a castle and lay siege to it

Pillage and burn the battlements!
Hit the deck, Hit the deck
Crawl on your belly when your feet give out
Punch God in the face
Piss off the Universe
This is all there is and time is running out

The New Kid(inspired by actual events although the names have been changed)

When I was 7 years old I fell in love.  At the time I didn't know it was love.  In fact at the time I didn't know much of anything.  I just knew that Anna Remington and I liked chasing eachother.  Neither of us knew what to do once one of us had been caught but we still chased.  Every afternoon on the playground we would run circles around the other kids while they played hopscotch and foursquare.  Anna was a mild obsession of mine, if a scatterbrained 7 year old could be obsessed.  She was one of only a few people that I pal'ed around with.  I didn't have many friends because I had an overprotective mother who wouldn't let me cross certain streets that she deemed too dangerous.  Besides in her mind I had an older brother and sister what did I need friends for.  I also had nocturnal epilepsy, which basically meant that some nights without any explanation right before I would fall asleep I would have a seizure.  I would moan, grunt, vomit and then pass out in a pool of my own sick.  Luckily, at that age I shared a room with my brother.  He usually would wake up and run to get my Dad.  Then I would wake up in the bath tub with the smell of stomach acid in my nose.  For this reason my Mom did not let me sleep over at other peoples houses, "too risky" is what she said.  Anna didn't know about my health problems.  She didn't know I cried when I had to go to school.  She didn't know that by this point the powers that be had read some test scores and decided that I probably had a learning disability.  All she knew was that she liked to chase me and I liked to chase her.
David Smithe was a new kid.  And I mean new.  His parents had moved in to town a few months before 3rd grade had started.  When you are new at that age it can basically go two ways for you.  One, everyone thinks you are new and special and different so you are immediately showered with attention and you make fast friends, or two everyone hates you, like David.  I have yet to pinpoint exactly why there seemed to be only two options.  David had dark viscious eyebrows that made him look like an old man, he wore clothes that were just a little too clean, and he ate his boogers.  When his fists were not half way up his nose they were picking fights with the biggest guys in school.  Sure maybe I don't know who fired the first shot but David definitely didn't make it any easier on himself.  I stayed clear of him for a few reasons.  Mainly because I was a coward and didn't want to fight anyone, also I just didn't like the way he looked.  The only other reason was, it seemed that whoever was near David was always treated with the same disrespect.  Even the teachers assumed that if you were with him you were up to no good.  I was civil, I picked up his books when they were knocked out of his hands making sure not to make eye contact.  I never called him names and always tried to ignore how bad he smelled.
One day Anna and I were up to our usual routine, when we bumped into a group of people that were all gathered around David yelling what 7 year olds thought were obscenities at him.  Anna stopped to join in on the action.  David turned towards us and with a maniacal grin yelled " Oh look its Joseph and his girlfriend."  Everyone stopped time stopped, I looked from Anna to David to the rest of the crowd.  Millions of thoughts and feelings danced through my brain and stomach.  I was mortified that someone used my name and the word girlfriend in the same sentence, but elated that I finally realized why I had been chasing Anna.  I wanted her for my own, she was a beautiful brunette goddess in denim overalls.  I wanted to go on quests for her.  Then David's smile grew larger as if he somehow read my mind and had found a weakness in me.  He began the chant, the dreaded chant " JOSEPH AND ANNA SITTIN' A TREE K I S S I N G...".  You know the rest now there were hot waves of embarrassment pulsating through my body.  My face was now red and burning.  And then the crowd joined in.  I stood there frozen not knowing what to do, I looked towards Anna for some help or sign that she too felt the same.  She looked back at me first in puzzlement.  Then it only took a second, but I saw it all in slow motion.  She looked from me to the crowd then to David.  At last she had made her decision.  She turned back to me with a look of disgust in her pale blue eyes.  She screamed,"EWWW!!", and pushed me.  It had been raining that morning and I fell right there in the mud.  My world was shattered.  The whole playground was laughter.  Anna ran a safe distance away and looked back but I couldn't see the expression on her face.  I only had eyes for one thing on the playground and DAVID was its name.  There was a new feeling boiling inside me: RAGE.  Rage that only seemed to grow more with time and with every thought in my brain.  NEW KID, LOVE, ANNA, BOOGERS, HATE, SMELL!!!
    I couldn't sleep that night.  My stomach ached.  Tears were flowing now, not tears from being hurt or sad, it was if the anger that was boiling inside of me was seeping out of my eyes and on to my pillow.  The next day I did not listen to anything my teacher said I didn't look at Anna but I felt her gaze.  I tried to burn holes in David with my eyes.  I sat there wishing that the yellow sun would give me super powers to exact my revenge.  Then came recess.  I walked around the playground, I couldn't feel the ground beneath my feet, the trees had no color, I couldn't even taste my snack.  Everything was a dull grey that somehow throbbed at the edges of my perifereal vision.  There was a commotion near the edge of the basketball court that caught my attention.  There was a large crowd of students standing 10 feet away from one figure and they were shouting at the figure.  When I investigated I realized that over half my class were throwing rocks at David and David was weaving around and trying to throw rocks back.  In the middle of the terrorists was Anna.  Laughing with delight as she let loose another rock.  I got closer and Anna looked at me.  She picked up a rock and handed it to me without words.  I looked down at the rock and back up to her smiling face.  She was beautiful, she was eve and here was my apple.  She looked puzzled as I dropped the rock, I bent down to the ground and found a jagged hunk of granite that had somehow mixed itself with some asvault.  It looked evil.  When I stood back up Anna's devilish smile had returned she knew now that the rock that she had given me was not worthy of its task.  I looked over at david as I tossed the rock up to check its weight.  He saw in my eyes that he would not escape this rock.  It was a David and Goliath story and this time GOLIATH had all the rocks and was going to crush to interloper DAVID.  The NEW KID!!  I took one last look at Anna and her smile fortified me.  I brought my arm back.  As I did this I remembered a few things.  Number 1 throwing rocks is bad.  Number 2 my brother hit me with a rock once and it hurt.  Number 3 my mom will kill me if this missle finds its target.  And my heart was no longer in it.  But my arm was already making the motion.  So, at the last second I slowed my arms momentum down and closed my eyes, knowing that it would miss its target but I would still look in Anna's eyes like a warrior. 
    When I opened my eyes I saw Anna looking very worried.  The crowd had disappeared I looked for where my rock had landed and almost collapsed.  At the exact moment that my rock was supposed to go sailing to the ground a boy named Trent happened to walk between David and I.  Trent was now clutching his nose with a mixture of blood and tears dripping from his face.  Anna desserted me.  David ran off.  I stood there with a very dumb look on my face.  As soon as I had the idea that I better run away Principal Sword grabbed me by the elbow.  How did he get there that fast, I always thought it might have been a set up.  but No I was just a fool who had lingered to long at the scene of a crime.  Principal Sword asked me " What were you thinking?"  All I could think in my head was "I was aiming for the New Kid".  I didn't say anything.  Since that day I never threw another rock... well not without aiming first of course.    

ON THE AFTERLIFE

ON THE AFTERLIFE: There is a world outside this world... and outside that world is another world that everybody is trying to get to. There is a waiting list and it is actually not all it's cracked up to be. I mean sure it is eternal and infinite, but how long can that last. There is shrimp a plenty and a never ending salad bar. But the happy hour leaves something to be desired, I mean the prices are decent but the beer selection is honestly sub par. In this place the place that we are striving to get to, there is no pain or suffering, nor toil, nor hunger. But there sure is some sexy beach babes of all variety. Also beach volleyball is mandatory.

A long lost letter from Rasputin's young lover

Darling Rasputin,

                My love, my life, you have invaded my soul.  You have healed me in ways you could never know.  I ache for your touch.  My wound awaits your return, my pilgrim.  At night I look out at the Tura River, the cold, darkness, and I think of us having a simple life as peasants.  But God called you, His prophet, and you answered.  I hate Him for it.  I have sinned in my thoughts.  Each night I flagellate myself to atone for my blasphemy.  I think of you as my switch breaks the skin of my naked body.  It is wrong to derive such pleasure out of my penance; I sin again.  I am in torment without you here to teach, guide, love, touch, heal, and fill me with your essence.  My womb groans for you.  My darling Rasputin - return to me.

                                                                                                Yours,

                                                                                   Svetlana Banglanka 

P.S.  What is the Tsar like? The whole Romanov family seems super interesting.  How is everyone’s health, I heard somewhere he picks his nose OMG is that true?